Say Their Names – Why It’s Okay to Talk About a Lost Baby

As time goes by and Judah has been gone for a longer and longer amount of time, I find that he is brought up less and less. Maybe the whole “out of sight, out of mind” thing applies here, or maybe you’re afraid that bringing him up will upset me. It’s understandable. We don’t wake up every day wondering who we can hurt today. We want to help. But often, we don’t know how to help someone who has lost a child. It’s unthinkable if you haven’t. You know that it’s painful, that the parents are deeply hurt, but you cannot fathom how hurt and so you stay away from the subject.

So, today, I want to tell you that it’s okay to say their names. To bring up their babies. To talk about them with love and pride and joy. You may not think so. You may think, if I bring this up, it will make them sad. It will hurt them. But here is why it’s okay:

1. We love to talk about our babies. If you’re a parent, you know your children are our pride and joy. We love to talk about them, to talk about what they’ve achieved, the funny things they’ve said or done. It makes no difference for us whether that child is earthside or not. We still want to talk about them. About their sweet features. About their little personalities (if we were blessed enough to get to know them). About their quirks, their loves, their funny moments, everything. Just because they’re gone doesn’t mean we aren’t still proud and don’t want to talk about the things we are proud of.

2. You can’t hurt us any more than we’ve already been hurt. When Judah passed away, the world went quiet. Sure, there was still the sound of the PICU all around. Doctors and nurses talking, machines beeping, parents walking, carts rolling. I don’t remember hearing any of it. It was as if everything just stopped. The initial shock turned to relief which turned to unimaginable pain. No one can ever hurt me more than I have been hurt by losing my child. No one can hurt me more than I was hurt when I looked into that tiny coffin and saw my baby, looking so peaceful and just like he was sleeping. So yes, when you bring up our baby, we may get sad. We may cry. But you’re not hurting us. We are already hurt. We live with it every day. It doesn’t go away. We just get better at coping with it as time goes by.

3. We don’t hear their names enough. Not long after Judah passed away, I saw a suggestion that said, when you order your normal Starbucks, to tell them your name is your child’s instead of your own so that way, when your drink is ready, we can hear their name called out. I didn’t know why I would need that at the time. Now, I do. The other day, I was watching videos of Judah and I was so taken aback when I heard my husband, in the video, say his name just like he says our son Arthur’s name. I wasn’t used to it. The only time I hear his name during the day is at night before bed when we tell him we love him and miss him. So please, bring up their names in normal conversation. Say it like it’s no big deal. You have no idea how much it will mean to us.

4. Sometimes, we are afraid to bring them up ourselves. It’s a situation I know all too well. I’ll be talking with friends and I’ll think of a story about Judah that applies to the situation. I’ll bring it up, thinking I’m adding to the conversation, and immediately it goes dreadfully quiet. No one responds. There’s an awkward silence for a few seconds as everyone looks around to see who’s going to respond. And then someone changes the subject. As such, I’ve stopped bringing him up in normal conversation. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid I will make it awkward and ruin everyone’s good time. I don’t want to. I just want to be a part of the conversation. And I want you to acknowledge that, and know, by acknowledging my story, you are making me feel as though my baby is remembered and loved.

5. Sometimes, we really need to talk about them but don’t know who to talk to. I can understand if you’re uncomfortable with this one. But I can assure you, as much as you are uncomfortable, we are 10x more uncomfortable. Just because Judah has been gone for close to two years and I have a rainbow baby now doesn’t mean life has been fixed. There are still days when grief rears its ugly head and it’s like I’ve lost him all over again. On those days, I need someone to talk to. And I don’t always know who I can reach out to. So I don’t and I grieve alone. Dear friends, no one should grieve alone. It’s unbearable. By talking about our babies, you let us know that, when grief comes back, you are someone we can turn to. Someone who will love us, listen to us, comfort us, and help us to keep living life like our babies would want us to.

I know it’s awkward. I know it’s hard. It is for us too. So here are a few ways you can help from day to day.

• Write down dates that are important to us and then send us a quick text on those days.
• Try and ask us how we are doing every once in a while and really mean it. Just because time has passed doesn’t mean we are doing well.
• Listen when we talk about them. And respond.
• Participate in the ways we remember our child.
• This can include traditions, fundraisers, or even just light a candle every year on International Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Day and sending us a picture

Being a parent who has lost a child is an almost impossible journey. It is easier to bear, though, when family and friends come alongside us and let us know that we are loved, our babies are loved, and we are not forgotten.