My 2022 Goals

At the end of 2019, I was feeling hopeful for a new decade. I was finally getting some answers for my health issues, our home life had stabilized a bit for the first time in years and I thought maybe, finally, it could be time for me to start focusing on my goals of weight loss and starting my business back. I even created a whole Pinterest board to help me with my goals.

And then the pandemic hit. And the first lockdown. And another pregnancy that knocked me flat on my back and left me too sick to do more than eat and sleep. I was determined this pregnancy would be different – I would exercise, eat right, and finally get my vbac after failing the last time. I managed to exercise a little and I went keto towards the end of my pregnancy for insulin resistance, but I didn’t get my vbac. Instead I was left once again recovering from a c section and once I started to feel strong enough again, I developed postpartum depression that took away most of my year.

I’ve come into 2022 cautiously. I don’t want these goals to be too lofty because I tend to go all in and burn out. I’m also lacking in a support system so any changes I make have to be sustainable for me. I’ve been thinking through each one carefully and trying to thoughtfully set up a plan to achieve them. I’m still not sure what the plan is for any of them but there’s also no rush. If these aren’t totally achieved by the end of 2022, that okay too.

Goal 1: Get and Keep My PCOS Under Control

It’d been about two years since my diagnosis with polycystic ovarian syndrome. And since then I have tried to learn as much as I can about it and how it affects my body personally. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that the treatment options that were given to me when I was diagnosed are a joke. I was offered birth control to help regulate my cycles and then told to come back if I ever wanted to have another baby. I wasn’t actually told anything about it or how to manage it on a day to day basis.

I’ve since worked with a functional medicine dietician and because of her, we have our sweet Ellie Girl in our home today. I continue to have consultations with her as I need them and I’ve also started a course on how PCOS affects the entire body, not just the ovaries. It also guides you through lifestyle changes that are backed by studies and science to help reduce the affects it has on the body.

This year, I want to finally finish the course and get in a good routine of taking care of myself and my PCOS. When I became a mom, it was all about Judah. There wasn’t time or mental energy to care for myself and with Arthur and Eleanor, it’s been the same (but different in some ways since they weren’t in the NICU). By the end of this year, I’m hoping it will be second nature.

Goal 2: Lose Weight

I’m not putting a number on this because I’m trying to find my worth beyond what the numbers on the scale say. And I know that weight fluctuates and is not a true indicator of your physical health.

With that being said, I know I need to get to a healthy weight. Along with PCOS, I have insulin resistance which means I gain weight just as easily as I breathe (or at least that’s what it feels like). There are a lot of factors that I won’t go into, but it’s a tightrope walk to keep my body out of a state of thinking it needs to store as much fat as it does.

I know losing weight will help with my confidence. Honestly, my body image is at an all time low since having babies. The stretch marks, the scars, the diastasis, the flabby skin all really affect me on a day to day basis, especially because just about everyone I know who has also had a baby looks like they’ve bounced back without a problem. And I’m stuck looking a bit like I ate way too many tacos or maybe I’m five months pregnant. I also know it will help with my back pain that’s been pretty bad since Ellie was born as well as get me to a better place physically to have surgery to have my abdominal wall fixed (it’s a mess thanks to the surgery I had while pregnant with Judah).

Goal 3: Get Back into Routines

Ever since lockdown, all routines have gone out the window. We did what it took to survive but, honestly, it messed up two years of carefully crafted routines for Arthur. And poor sweet Ellie has never really had one, aside from her nap and bed times.

Earlier this year, our son was diagnosed with special needs and because of that, routine is an extremely important part of managing his condition. We’ve had the start of routines this past year but it seems like every time we got close, both kids got sick and we went back into surviving on episodes of Bluey and Paw Patrol and attending to whatever it was they needed in the moment. For me, it’s hard to get routines down when I know we’re going to be home a lot thanks to the pandemic but I’m determined to finally put some order back in our chaos.

Goal 4: Get to Know My Kids Better

This one might seem silly – how could I not know my own kids? Postpartum depression robbed me of seven months of their lives and I came out the other side not recognizing myself or my kids. At this age they grow so quickly and change happens in what feels like a millisecond. I’ve gotten a bit better with them but I still find myself wanting to be alone most of the day so I’m trying to be more intentional about stepping into their worlds and soaking in the little moments.

I also need to get to know the way Arthur works better. There’s been a lot of confusing information flying at me since his diagnosis and I feel like I have no clue what it is he even has. I got a book to read on our Christmas vacation about it but of course we all came down with corona and we had to cancel our trip. I want to get through the book hopefully by the end of the month as well as find a primary care provider who can better help us navigate everything with him.

*As a disclaimer to this, we will not be (at least for now) publicly revealing Arthur’s diagnosis. We want it to be up to him as to whether or not people know.

Goal 5: Restart My Blog

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved to write. She even wrote a few books. And her love of writing led her to meet her husband when they were just babies (well, teenagers but it feels like we were babies).

I’ve fiddled with having a blog over the years but never gained any real traction, mostly because I was writing without a purpose and without really knowing what I was doing. My goal of restarting my blog is coming with actually learning the ins and outs of it and trying to do it with real intention rather than just doing it whenever I feel like it and eventually abandoning it when things get too hectic.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t going to be a daily posting sort of thing. And there will be times when I take breaks. But I’m hoping to make it into the blog that the little teenage girl in me always dreamed of.

Goal 6: Go Through My Fiber and Fabric Stash and Start Making My Own Clothes

I have a lot of hand dyed yarn sitting on shelves, waiting for the perfect project to come along. And a lot of sweet fabric that I bought with the intention of sewing more of the kids clothes.

I would like to take a good chunk out of it this year and add high quality pieces to my kids’ wardrobes. Ellie already has a good amount of handmades in her closet and it’s something I am very proud of.

I would also like to start sewing for myself. I have some odd body dimensions and I’m excited about the idea of making clothes that actually fit me as well as being cute and comfortable.

Goal 7: Become a Better Artist

I was the kid in school who sketched in the margins of my textbooks and illustrated my notes. I’ve always loved art but I’ve never actually had any real training in it. This year, I’m hoping to change that and have signed up for Skillshare. I’m actually most of the way through a class on realistic watercolor portraits and really feel like I’ve improved a lot since then. It’s my hope to keep improving and learning so I can hopefully (if we get enough margin in our lives this year) achieve my final goal.

Goal 8: Restart My Business, This Time Doing Portraits

I already take commissions but I only do a few a month and haven’t done any since before Christmas. Running a small business, for me, was really fulfilling and something I have been longing to get back to since I started to feel even the smallest bit better.

Every time I feel the clouds break, I start dreaming of my business again and what it could be. I don’t expect it to become huge but I would love to be able to consistently create keepsakes for other families as well as create memorial portraits for families who have lost their babies.

Overall, I’m hoping these goals are achievable. Hitting goals has been hard for us since Judah passed away and I’m hoping this is the year we finally break free of our cycle of surviving and move into thriving.

If some (or all) of these goals aren’t achieved by the time 2023 rolls around though, I am telling myself that’s okay. My goals shouldn’t be confined to a calendar year anyways. Circumstances can sometimes change daily and in the last 5 years, our lives have been turned upside down so many times, we have whiplash. So grace is the name of the game. And patience.

I’m forcing myself to slow down, to think carefully through these things, to seek counsel on them, and to make (what are hopefully) good decisions. Just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean I need to hop directly into achieving these goals – it just gives me the motivation to evaluate where we are and set goals to try and figure out where to go next.