Dear Judah

Dear Judah,  

I’ve been thinking a lot about you the past few weeks. I’m always thinking about you, but, usually, your brother distracts me enough to keep you just on the edge of my thoughts. These past few weeks have been so hectic and draining – your baby brother first had an ear infection and then a high fever. The dog has been waking us up all night long for no reason whatsoever. We’ve been trying to clean and put the house together. But even with all this you are still at the forefront of my mind.  

It’s been two years since you left us and the world went silent. Two years since I sang to you and stroked your sweet head while you gained your wings. Two years since you tried to keep fighting but we had to make you stop because your liver had failed and we didn’t want you to suffer through strokes and internal bleeding. Two years since you mustered up enough strength to squeeze my finger to let me know that you wanted me to feel better. Judah Bear, you certainly were the most amazing boy I have ever met. I feel so privileged to be your mama.  

On this the second anniversary of your Glory Day, I want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me so many things about life, about thankfulness, about unconditional love, and about being content in all circumstances. Thank you for teaching me to rely on God for every breath, every day, every meal, and every bed we laid in every night. Thank you for loving me and staying awake for 6 hours at a time so we could read stories, snuggle, and play together during those 6 hours a day we had with each other. And thank you for going before the throne of God and asking him to send us your brother. I wouldn’t be in the place I am today without him and I know I wouldn’t be as mended as I am without him.  

Judah Bear, most days it feels like you were someone else’s baby and I was just on the outside looking in. It feels like you happened to someone else. Intellectually, I know I am your mama but it also feels like another life. Maybe because I am not that same person I was before. You made me who I am today and for that I cannot thank you enough.  I know you are healed, loved, and happy up there in heaven, playing with your big brother and our sweet puppy, Jesse. But, baby boy, you are so incredibly missed here on earth. Each day without you is so hard to take. Each day we get further and further away from the last time we kissed up and saw your beautiful face. But each day we get closer to our own Glory Day. Each day we get closer to seeing your face, hugging you, kissing you, and holding you once more. And on that day, I will never ever have to let you go.  

I’ve imagined that day a thousand times – in my head, I enter heaven and see Jesus walking towards me with you in His arms. And then you see me and He puts you down before you run into my waiting arms and give me a huge, long, warm, and wonderful hug. Because the Creator of the whole universe gave up His Son, I get to see mine again. And I am so, so thankful for that.  

I will never stop loving you, sweet boy. I will never stop wanting you back. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop grieving your loss. I will never, ever forget you. And I will never stop telling your story. You live on in my heart and in all those sweet Potters babies who are starting to go home because you came first. Thank you for being brave and thank you for fighting to stay with us, you wonderful, amazing, inspiring little boy.  

All My Love,  

Mama