Embracing the Unexpected: The Story of Our 5th Baby (So Far)

To understand this story, you need to go all the way back to 2020. I was pregnant with our fourth baby, a little girl named Ellie, and I was miserable. And not just because there was a global pandemic going on and I had been told not to go anywhere except my doctor’s appointments.

Pregnancy has always been hard on me – it always starts with hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme nausea and vomiting that lasts the entire pregnancy, abbreviated HG) and then the problems pile on from there. While pregnant with Ellie, I also had extreme pelvic pain that made it hard to walk, trouble with my blood sugar, migraines, dizziness, I was super tired all the time but struggled with insomnia at night.

To top it all off, Ellie got stuck in one of my hips and, when she had reduced fetal movement at the end of my pregnancy and then her heart rate dropped a few times, the hospital wouldn’t induce me because I’d already had two c-sections and so I had to have a third.

Recovery from her c-section actually went better than the rest but when she was two months old, I developed postpartum depression. We now think it’s because my blood sugar was still out of control but we had no idea at the time – it was never addressed at my postpartum checkups. I lived in a fog of anger and wanting nothing to do with my baby for seven long months before it finally lifted. And it’s something I never want to experience again.

All these things in combination, plus us finally having a baby girl, made us decide we were pretty much done having babies. Pregnancy was just too hard on me and we needed to focus on my health. And so that’s what we did.

I learned so much about blood sugar and how to control it. I educated myself on PCOS and even found out that I had some other conditions that were making me more tired and miserable. I started feeling better and losing weight. For the first time in a long time, I had energy to do things and then not need to rest for a week afterward.

We restarted Project Judah Bear and I even was able to fulfill one of my dreams of owning my own business again. Things were looking up, despite a new diagnosis for my living son, and life was finally moving in the direction we wanted.

Then around Christmas, I started to feel nauseous and have some abdominal pain. On Christmas day I took a pregnancy test but it came back negative. I tested again the next day with the same result. And then, on December 27, the 10-year anniversary of my husband and I getting engaged, the slightest line showed up.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. While I knew there was a possibility, I never expected it to be a reality. A few days later a digital test got rid of any other doubts I had. At this point, I was 4 weeks pregnant.

Two weeks later, on a Sunday morning, I got up to get ready for church and instead found bright red blood.

Shaking and terrified, I called my OB’s office. After a bit of waiting for a call back, they told me to go to their women’s assessment center and get checked. On the drive there, I was shaking, crying, terrified that I was having another miscarriage, but put on my favorite Ellie Holcomb playlist to try and help calm my nerves.

After a COVID screening and some paperwork, I was taken into triage. The nurse doing it was incredibly sweet and told me she was an advocate for pregnancy and infant loss and moms pregnant after loss, despite never having lost herself. The knowledge was so comforting, knowing she was there and would advocate for me if I needed it.

I was soon taken up to another floor where they put me in a private room and got me set up with my nurse. She was super sweet and understanding and told me she had PCOS too. She kept my mind off things by asking me about the management of my PCOS and being genuinely interested in me.

The doctor ordered bloodwork and an ultrasound. The nurse came and took my blood and then I settled in to wait for the doctor. I tried to choose a show to watch and remember thinking, ‘Whatever I pick, it could become a trigger. I better not pick something I really like.’

The doctor came in not long after and did the ultrasound. Fortunately, there was a tiny little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen.

“I’m so glad I could give you good news,” she told me. “I’ve already had to give bad news twice today.”

My heart sank for those other mamas, maybe even in the room next to me, who had suddenly and unexpectedly had all their dreams shattered. I wanted to go and hug them and tell them it wasn’t their fault. And that they would be okay, no matter how much it felt like they wouldn’t be now.

On the ultrasound, she also found a large bleed beside the baby (called a subchorionic hematoma). She said that my body would mostly reabsorb it but that I would also continue to have bleeding while it was there. I’ve actually had this before – once with Judah and once with Ellie. Ellie’s was really little but Judah had two giant bleeds on either side of them and I was treated like I had already miscarried even though he had a heartbeat still. I learned after I went home that once you’ve had one, they’re likely to reoccur in other pregnancies.

I left, relieved, but also really wanting to see my kids. Instead of going home, I drove to the church where they were still playing on the playground and got the biggest hugs from them. We went home and tried to wait the bleeding out while managing my anxiety.

When you’ve had one miscarriage, the sight of any blood makes your heart sink and your whole body start to shake.

I scheduled with my doctor that same week and was able to see him by Thursday. Thankfully, on that ultrasound, the bleed was almost gone. And my bleeding stopped a few days afterward.

We pushed our way forward after this, trying to take my doctor’s advice to take it easy while also caring for my two kiddos and finishing up my to-do list for Project Judah Bear. We successfully dropped off 98 care packages at the NICU, our first drop-off with this baby.

This pregnancy hasn’t been easy, but it has been easier in comparison to being pregnant with the boys.

I have hyperemesis again this time which is hard to manage alongside blood sugar issues. After all, when you’re nauseous, it’s best to only eat carbs, which aren’t so great for blood sugar regulation. I lost weight initially like all my other HG pregnancies (except Ellie) but finally seem to gaining some back. I’ve also had migraines, dizziness, and pretty bad fatigue which I’m hoping will ease up now that I’m on to my second trimester.

This pregnancy was also the first time I was pregnant during the anniversary of Judah’s death. I was really worried as to how it would go so my doctor gave me an extra ultrasound to try and help ease my mind. However, when the actual anniversary came around, my PTSD kicked in and I’ve been having symptoms of dissociation (my brain trying to convince me I’m not pregnant, daily, all day long) that don’t seem to be going anywhere. It’s been the weirdest thing – when I tell someone I’m pregnant, I feel like I’m lying.

Arthur has fully embraced the idea of a new baby and Ellie only has the vaguest idea of something going on. And my husband and I? Well, we’re doing our best to figure out what life looks like from here and trying to figure out a financial plan for another baby who was unexpected but will not be unloved.

All photos (except the pregnancy test and hospital photo plus the ultrasound) were taken by ADC Texas Photography.